i don’t get it and i never will.

Photo by Eder Pozo Pérez on Unsplash

nf sings in my ear and

my airpods allow me to hear

the lyrics, “we needed you. i

needed you,” and i think about the

way by which nothing

i have ever needed

mattered —

matters.

my previous therapist used to ask me,

“why do you find it so difficult to open up?”

and internally, i’d respond with the reply that

i’ve been closed up without my consent,

but externally, i’d say, “you would, too,

if you were me,” and she reminds me

how dissimilar we were.

my mom dies and she tells me,

“i don’t know what that’s like.

both of my parents are still

alive,” and i think

to myself,

“why would you tell me that?” but then again,

she is one of many licensed counselors

who have told me that

i teach them so

much

without

teaching me

a single thing

and i cannot help but wonder,

“when is it my turn to be helped?”

i am so tired of helping

and never being helped.

i don’t get it and

i never will.

♡