navigating grief in the form of a journal entry.

Photo by Scott Rodgerson on Unsplash

i keep trying to be who i was before my mom died. i’ve been looking for my old self but i haven’t been able to find her, and as a result, i don’t know who i am anymore.

i tried doing everything i used to do but nothing that used to work does so anymore because again, i’m not who i used to be.

and i hate it.

i hate it a lot.

there wasn’t anything wrong with who i was, and sometimes, i get upset that i had to lose myself like that. death doesn’t only kill the ones who’ve died. it takes parts of you with it, if you’re lucky.

if you’re not as lucky, it takes all of you.

i don’t have a clue who i am anymore, so i keep trying to be who i was before it happened. that version of me didn’t know what it’s like to hurt like this, and i don’t want to hurt like this.

i miss my mom, but more so, right now, i miss what life was like before i had to start waking up and accepting the fact that my only constant in this world is long gone.

but the other day, i read something along the lines of, “stop trying to be who you were before it happened. that person doesn’t exist anymore,” and it made me think, “this is so obvious and yet i didn’t realize it til now.”